I’ve revived my twitter, so I thought I should revive my blog too!
Recently I’ve fought with a dear friend. Not just a normal fight, but an argument that will never be resolved. I’m such a drama queen, but I really can’t bring myself to forgive, especially if said friend didn’t even ask for forgiveness. That’s not the only thing, apparently, I’m the one at fault, when in fact, I was the one that got insulted, not only myself, but my entire being, inclusive of my mom, my aunt, my sister, oh, you get the idea.
But it was really a wake up call. I’ve been stuck in this limbo for so long because I’ve been avoiding the reality of life. Well, I’ve always written about being empty. I feel empty inside, all the time. It was because I was stuck in this depression. But truth is, I’m not empty but just refuse to face life. I refuse to look at life and live! I was reading in 9gag, “no one dies a virgin, life fucks us all”. There’s a deeper meaning to that than a good line of joke.
Fortunately for me, I do not think everything that my friend said was true. Despite the denial state I was in, I did pursue my dream. I’ve move one step closer to realising my dream. Yes, I’ve found my dream. Not found, but remembered. My dream before I went into denial.
I read from a scientific report that people who had gone through trauma, will have to go through a whole cycle of shock or denial, anger or the blame game, grief or fear and finally acceptance and resolution. Trauma that is not resolved often stops or freezes at some point in the cycle. Shock or denial is the most common freezing point. But the thing is, the treatment that every single page or book or article suggest is to create a pattern that allows you to vent and work through the stress that you have accumulated from trauma. But my trauma is not caused by stress. All I needed was a slap across my face. Not literally, oh, dear friends, please do not slap me!
The insult from my friend, no matter how cruel it was, was a very good slap! One that hurt to the core. Yes, I’ve lost my friend, but I’ve found myself.
My trauma started with grief. I couldn’t cope with the loss. It graduated to fear. I was then stuck at blame and anger for a very long time. The victim? My poor puppy. But puppy stayed, but perhaps I’ve altered our relationship beyond repair. Before I got rid of blame, it was added on by denial. Denial and blame is a powerful hurting tool. But it was very numbing. Not having to think. I was living in limbo, thinking the only purpose in life is to find pleasure. Earthly pleasure.When I don’t get it, I consult anger.
But after the jolt, I realised what I’ve been doing for years. Yes, it’s been years!
So from now on, I’ll live.
I’ll pursue my dream. Although it may seem like a million steps, even with one step a day, I can make it.
People are not here to please me.I’m here to please myself. If I don’t work hard, God cannot help me. So if I don’t try, I will never have a chance.
Everything have to start with a goal. Now that I’ve found my goal, I know I can do it.
The only thing I disagreed on was the measure of success by monetary value. If you think you’re successful, then you’re successful. If you think you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful. There will always be someone more successful. You don’t have to be the most successful.Just make sure you work hard enough not to disappoint yourself.
Thank you for reading.
I’ve wasted a lot of precious time, I’ve lost friends, I’ve hurt people around me, so if you feel the same way, then change. Let go and live.
